Abandonment Issues

Yes, I have them.

I know that other people have lives that do not revolve around me. I think that's good and normal. I wouldn't think it healthy for others lives to focus on me. I don't even think that would be desirable. Maybe it would be nice for a few days or a few weeks... OK... Not really.

However, it would be nice to not always have to be the one that initiates all of the contact. It would be nice to not CONSTANTLY be the one that seems to be doing all of the work to keep a friendship from fizzling out. It would be nice to feel like people actually think about me once in a while.

I know, I know. It sounds selfish and whiny. It probably is. I probably should just shut my whiny mouth and count my blessings instead of sheep and I'll fall asleep counting my blessings.

Yet I can't help how I feel. I feel like I'm a pest. I feel like people are nice to me out of some sort of obligation to love one's neighbor. I feel like the undue pressure society puts on us to be "nice" makes these people tolerate my clumsy attempts at friendship and they're relieved when I finally DO shut up and go away.

If you're one of those people, stop being nice. Just tell me that you'd rather not have me around and I'll go away. I won't drag things out. It'll be a lot less painful for both of us. You won't have to put up with the annoyance of me and I won't have to waste my time and effort trying to maintain a one-sided perceived friendship. Don't let me down gently. Just tell me to bugger off. I can take it.

If that's not the case, then please, once in a while, initiate some contact. Otherwise, I'll be forced to continue dealing with these abandonment issues. I'll have to keep wondering whether or not I'm just bugging the crap out of you. If I have to wonder too long, then I'll end making assumptions. When I'm at that point, I'll assume the worst and decide that you'd rather that I just left you alone.

*heavy sigh*

Sometimes it SUCKS being a "people person."