My True Calling
Someone just told me that I missed my true calling in life. We were discussing church basketball.
I loathe the game. I'll freely admit, that loathing is due, in great measure, to the fact that I suck at basketball. Really. I'm not good at all. It's not something I've spent a lot of time doing. However, that doesn't change the fact that church basketball (by which I mean basketball usually played in the meetinghouses of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) is partly to blame.
As a young man, I had "scouts" once a week at our church building. More often than not, nothing substantial had been planned and we ended up spending at least half of the time shooting hoops in the "cultural hall." (Cultural hall = a fancy LDS word for "gymnasium.") For me, this usually meant running back and forth on the hardwood while the rest of the young men on my team ignored me and the young men on the other team tried to run me over. I finally quit even walking out on the court in the first place. This meant that the other young men had to feel the obligation to make me feel included, and they would harass me for not playing.
I gave it a shot (pun intended), I really did. I remember one time (I must have been EXTREMELY bored) that I picked up a basketball, and due to some strange alignments of planets in several galaxies, I attempted and made several 3-point shots in a row. This, of course, meant that the other young men started to harrass me for not playing on their team against the other wards. I said something both dry and droll that they completely didn't get. So they just started harassing me to make me feel included again.
The angriest that my wife has EVER seen me was after my last experience with church basketball. My cousin's husband finally harrassed me long enough and assured me enough times that he would make sure I had a good time, so unwisely, I decided to give it one more try. My cousin's husband then proceeded to do everything that had ever been done to me before in my entire life that made me hate church basketball. I haven't played one minute of church basketball since. I never will again. Since that day, I tell people that "church ball is against my religion." It is. I'm a better person when I DON'T play.
What does this have to do with my true calling? My friend is a basketball official. He's headed out to officiate in a game this evening, and I told him to "have fun" and to "taunt the overly-competitive players" for me. "Hey! You sneezed in my direction? Technical foul!! What?? You're ARGUING with me? EJECTED!!!"
That's when he told me that I've missed my true calling in life.
Which got me thinking...
Maybe I SHOULD become a basketball official. Then I could make everyone else's experience as miserable as mine was. Maybe I could end church ball as we know it.
If any of you know where I can get some basketball official's training, please let me know. I already know where I can get my concealed carry permit, because if I put this plan into action, I'm going to need it.
6 comments
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AmandaStretch
Heh. Awesome. Where do people learn that taunting and harassing = making people feel included?
Tim
By FAR the most ungodly behavior I've ever seen in any venue, bar none, was at church basketball games. If it's possible for someone to loathe them as much as you do, I do.
Giggles
I was never that great at basketball, but I could do defense pretty well. And then I started playing with the guys during pe in high school, and that taught me a few new skills, one of which was getting in a players way and not moving when they came at me. With the big guys at high school I played with, it never did much damage, just slowed them down. But I did it during a church game once, and the girl was a lot lighter than I was used to and she kind of flew over my leg. I also frequently had jammed fingers from games and I know I twisted my ankle at least once. But I was never a very good shot.
Mr. Me
Tim, in my teenage years, I played church ball at another church a few times, and they were quite civil about things, so I guess I assumed that the LDS had the corner on the boorish basketball behavior, but your comment makes me believe differently.
"Ungodly behavior" sums it up perfectly!
Lisa, did you mean it never did much damage to them or to you?
On a geeky note, this was my 300th blog post!
T.J.
"Tim, in my teenage years, I played church ball at another church a few times, and they were quite civil about things, so I guess I assumed that the LDS had the corner on the boorish basketball behavior, but your comment makes me believe differently."
I am of the firm opinion that there are two things that members of the LDS Faith are good at making "ungodly." Those are Basketball and Driving. I believe, and this is pure hypothetical rambling, that due to the very nature of the church and the requirement to be "as near to perfection" as possible whenever people are around there tends to be a lot of pent up stress and perhaps even anger. When out of work and on the road, where you are more anonymous, the road rage comes out to relieve that stress. This is the same for Church Basketball. When they get on that court, there is a little more freedom to be aggressive and taunting in the "name of the sport." I have always felt this way and hence that is the reason I never played the sport in church -- then again without it there may be a lot fewer members and or more "stress related issues." To each there own stress relief. I will stick with my Yoga.
Giggles
Playing basketball at high school never did much damage to me. And those guys were big enough that I'm pretty sure it never did much damage to them either. All of my basketball related injuries at the time came from playing at church.